When forgiveness and love are rejected...
I've just been listening to a podcast and its funny because I was thinking "I don't know if this has something to offer me." And then they said something about love that struck me hard. I don't know exactly what was said but I received this gem of insight "when you love somebody, truly love somebody, you forget about yourself and you lose yourself to that person, that love. You stop worrying about yourself and how you look. Love, when you concentrate on that, it takes you to a higher place. "
Then my thoughts went pretty personal and pretty deep:
So what happens when that love is rejected?
You know, for 20 some odd years I have loved this man. And there were times, about 10 years, that I was more worried about myself and how I looked to the world. I was so scared that I had a place in the world that I may have put a wedge between us. He wasn't being there. He wasn't cherishing me. He wasn't praying with me. He wasn't reading scriptures with me. He wasn't being the spiritual leader I wanted him to be in our home. He wasn't providing. He was lying to me. This whole check list of things that I wasn't getting led me to being so critical of him. Focusing on me kept me from seeing what his needs were.
Then about 10 years ago, I started being more outward focused. All of those things didn't matter as much, if they mattered at all. I worried that it was too late. Today I beat myself up with if onlies...if only I had done that sooner, if only this if only that....But I can't do that.
What I do know is that in the process I have tasted unconditional love. Pure and simple. I learned forgiveness. I learned how to love and to lose myself, in a positive way. Even when the offenses became more grievous, I was able to offer it all on a silver platter. That's not to say that sometimes I wasn't hurt and there were things I had to deal with on my own. But I offered my love and my forgiveness and my willingness to accept what he had done and how it was going to affect my life. I was able and willing to say whole heartedly, it doesn't matter. I love you.
The thing that hurts so badly is that he just rejected that. He just turned away and rejected all I had to offer. I think that's why it hurts so much. I sit and I think I failed or the last 28 years of my life has been a lie. I can get stuck in that train of thought so easily. But truly the thing that hurts the most, is his rejection of my complete forgiveness and love. And he didn't only reject me. He rejected the Savior and his family. Everyone was on the same page ready to forgive and love him no matter what.
But he couldn't do it. I think he was afraid of feeling. I think his shame was too great. For me it goes back to the whole thing of the necessity to love and forgive yourself, because the atonement doesn't fully work unless you do. And I tried to explain that to him, that I had learned the power of forgiving yourself. And his response was, "I'm not ready. It's too soon." I think that's what ultimately held him captive and still does to this day.
Now, I have the opportunity to have a new life. And I will take it. But it doesn't negate the loss that I feel and the sorrow I feel for the rejection. And for his soul. But I just continue to pray that my heart will be able to heal and to move on. I pray that I will be able to find peace and forgiveness of a new kind. Forgiveness is a lot harder because there is so much sorrow and hurt and bitterness because of the rejection of the last one. Isn't it interesting that forgiveness needs to be not dependent on if the other person accepts it, but just freely given, in order for your heart to heal? For me, that's a hard task. One I am determined to conquer so I can have a peace of heart and mind, and find love even a deeper love.
One day.
Then my thoughts went pretty personal and pretty deep:
So what happens when that love is rejected?
You know, for 20 some odd years I have loved this man. And there were times, about 10 years, that I was more worried about myself and how I looked to the world. I was so scared that I had a place in the world that I may have put a wedge between us. He wasn't being there. He wasn't cherishing me. He wasn't praying with me. He wasn't reading scriptures with me. He wasn't being the spiritual leader I wanted him to be in our home. He wasn't providing. He was lying to me. This whole check list of things that I wasn't getting led me to being so critical of him. Focusing on me kept me from seeing what his needs were.
Then about 10 years ago, I started being more outward focused. All of those things didn't matter as much, if they mattered at all. I worried that it was too late. Today I beat myself up with if onlies...if only I had done that sooner, if only this if only that....But I can't do that.
What I do know is that in the process I have tasted unconditional love. Pure and simple. I learned forgiveness. I learned how to love and to lose myself, in a positive way. Even when the offenses became more grievous, I was able to offer it all on a silver platter. That's not to say that sometimes I wasn't hurt and there were things I had to deal with on my own. But I offered my love and my forgiveness and my willingness to accept what he had done and how it was going to affect my life. I was able and willing to say whole heartedly, it doesn't matter. I love you.
The thing that hurts so badly is that he just rejected that. He just turned away and rejected all I had to offer. I think that's why it hurts so much. I sit and I think I failed or the last 28 years of my life has been a lie. I can get stuck in that train of thought so easily. But truly the thing that hurts the most, is his rejection of my complete forgiveness and love. And he didn't only reject me. He rejected the Savior and his family. Everyone was on the same page ready to forgive and love him no matter what.
But he couldn't do it. I think he was afraid of feeling. I think his shame was too great. For me it goes back to the whole thing of the necessity to love and forgive yourself, because the atonement doesn't fully work unless you do. And I tried to explain that to him, that I had learned the power of forgiving yourself. And his response was, "I'm not ready. It's too soon." I think that's what ultimately held him captive and still does to this day.
Now, I have the opportunity to have a new life. And I will take it. But it doesn't negate the loss that I feel and the sorrow I feel for the rejection. And for his soul. But I just continue to pray that my heart will be able to heal and to move on. I pray that I will be able to find peace and forgiveness of a new kind. Forgiveness is a lot harder because there is so much sorrow and hurt and bitterness because of the rejection of the last one. Isn't it interesting that forgiveness needs to be not dependent on if the other person accepts it, but just freely given, in order for your heart to heal? For me, that's a hard task. One I am determined to conquer so I can have a peace of heart and mind, and find love even a deeper love.
One day.
You are amazing. I love you!!
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